the warrior diaries, entry 3

4/27/08@2:07 a.m.

"never" is a promise of a long time.

"never" = "to not start"
"never" = "to not end"

i did not like the way he asked me things, how his words stayed all bunched up in his mouth, his meanings crowded with congestion, his elocution full of spit and snot.
he asked me questions in coughs of contagion and i did not want to know the source of his infection.

"when are we going horseback riding?" he asked and wiped the saliva away with an old, mean looking handkerchief reeking of other questions asked other small girls.
"Never." i said and ran, hell bent for leather, away from the gargled voice and its viscous innuendo. I took my promise of a very long time with me.

"Never" = "to not start."

when she found me it had been raining. i'd been gone for two days and my underwear was soaked through, my skin water-logged and bloated. i looked like i'd drowned on solid ground.

i was shivering from my time spent in the rain and among the blackberry bushes. my body was thick with their tiny brown thorns, and blue from their juice, and the bruises of my long days gone.

i stood up from my hiding place under a bush, looking like a trailer-trash doll baby, left behind by accident to be tended and re-dressed by the elements.

i went to her, aching from the cold and the way i have of holding my breath when i am afraid.

she put her arms around me.
"you found me." i said.

"yes." she answered.

"when are you going to stop holding me?" i asked.

"Never." she said, a promise of a very long time.

i stopped shaking, unclenched my body. i wrote it down so i would not forget the simple equation:

"Never" = "to not end."

the warrior diaries entry #2

i am part native american. i don't know exactly what part of me is so ethnically hip, but "the rest of me" is white.

if i had to hazard a guess at the white parts, it'd be my blue eyes, brown hair, and my asshole.

my asshole is tight, full of shit and hard to get anything out of. just like alot of white people i know. just like "the rest of me."

of course, if i stand in good lighting and spend a few minutes outside, you can see the indian (****"arrow through the heart indian") parts. which i reckon are good skin tone, straight hair (not the brown part) and high cheek bones. and my vagina.

i like to think of my genitals as distinctly indian. maybe it's why i am a lesbian: my cunt is not as uptight as my asshole. my "indian" is more laid back than my "whitey".

i know this little summary does not cover all of my body parts - indian foot, white foot. native titty, white imperialist disease spreading titty.

i figure they can fight it out among themselves. 'cause even if the indians win or broker some nifty little peace treaty, the whites will take it and break it, claiming me all for themselves.

in the end (literally) i am part american indian, but i am mainly white through conquest.

****thank you, sherman alexie.****

the warrior diaries:entry 1

"i am a warrior," i thought. and then i, the warrior, downed three fried pork chops, a piece of chocolate cheesecake and a huge scoop of banana cream pie ice cream.

that was last night. later, i repented and prayed for forgiveness. i was truly sorry that my path to higher ground and a warrior's body had been so easily diverted by down-home cooking and zero self control.

i prayed because that is all you can do when you have eaten your high-calorie content, low self-esteem.

i prayed because i truly regretted the fried pork chops, the cheesecake and the ice cream. and the only true sins we commit are the things we regret.

tomorrow, having been made holy again simply by asking (it isn't as hard as the bible and TV evangelists pretend) i will step back on the warrior's path and try...a little harder, a little fasting and a lot more prayer. because i just know, at some point, i am going to regret something.

addendum to prayer #1: chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, McDonald's, 7:37 a.m. the next morning.